Nobody Likes Spanking

This is not a picture of me with my only daughter in the early 80's.

However it could have been because the old wooden spoon was the impersonal giver of consequences, and she always did that with her hands before she received as many swats as her age at the time.
 And if she covered her butt with her hands I'd calmly add one swat each time.
I think she always received one more swat before moving her hands in defiance.

I never spanked my children at moments of disobedience. Always 3 chances and a look and a warning  followed by those great words " Ok, that's it, up to your room (or go to the bathroom) or tonight when we get home you'll get "x". We'll deal with it then. And if you do it again now, we'll just add more on. Sorry, I love you but you had all the other options first."

I hated spanking my kids. Each one had their own levels of "testing you for power and control".

Certainly our daughter was the most obstinate, cunning and willing to fight for control.  She's now my hero/super mom of 4, and I pray she never has to spank her kids for disobedience. She'd honestly tell you - she deserved it, learned from it and certainly has respect not disdain for authority. 

Methods?

Spanking should be the last resort, but IMHO it should be a measured resort for some (not all).

And if you were abused as a child, you should seek therapy and NEVER spank your kids.

Like alcoholics who quit and never drink again. So it should be for the abused.  Get help and take away your chances to repeat the cycle.

The above pic and list shows other good options.   

 Ok, side bar...  right now as I type i see the heads of cut off children in the middle east stuck on metal fence poles as their punishment for not obeying or converting to radical monsters, and the world turns an eye away from that....  

All right I'm back on topic now.  Personally I never delivered consequences of a spanking at the moment of disobedience and never with "personal anger" in my words or voice or delivery. 

There was always a discussion of what they did wrong, how many chances they got. Then it was, let's get this over, hug, tell you I love you,  and the words I'm sorry you chose to not obey. I hope I don't have to do this again.." followed by a prayer and long hug again.

This was never "hitting", "beating", "slapping" "Pinching"  or all the things much worse than that.  I've discussed in counseling broken adults over the years many stories  of their childhoods where they were treated beyond human in abuse, and I'm sure the abuser parents were abused and it doesn't make it right... ever.

 I can't repeat any of those brutal stories and they were usually tied to sexual abusers as part of the punishments. We're talking SICK people here.Yet today why is it that the word punishment is almost becoming a crime. Like saying the word "sin" or "commandment" or "holiness", they are words that no one wants to really discuss or owe up to anymore.
Now if you know me, you know I AM the "grace" guy not the law and punishment guy.  I am NOT the guy who ever quoted scriptures for punishment like "spare the rod spoil the child".  You certainly don't need a bible to teach you about respect honor and obeying authority.  With that said, I do believe in consequences and spanking is one of them.  When do you cross that line from spanking to child abuse? That is a very very big brother, gun control, abortion, equal rights, racism, political type of question with very passionate answers.   

I do remember being 14 in 9th grade gym class, playing my harmonica at my locker and being pulled into Mr. Riddles office to get the old jock strap bend over wooden paddle with holes in it smack.  I remember tears, and suck it up, and that i hated that guy from that day forward and still do.  Punishment has to be measured and fair. That was just wrong and cruel, even if I sucked at harmonica (which i didn't). 


Police abusing their authority is another example of whats wrong with power in the wrong hands. I'm also guessing every cop who abuses authority was abused as a kid. It's so sad and we need honest solutions to discover peoples histories before we give them (at least) public authority .
I began the thought this morning of even blogging on spanking.  Part of me said, "ooh don't do that, people might think you believe in child abuse".   CNN this morning had a debate on it over the A.P./Vikings story from this last weekend, and they couched it as "hitting" not "spanking". Over and over it was "hitting your child is legal, the only person you can legally hit is your child".  CNN headline: "Spanking is Child Abuse".  Never did they say "spanking" as anything humanly acceptable. Never did they mention punishment for behavioural change, other than to say "hitting doesn't work it's abuse". Agreed, hitting is bad. Really bad.

Well, every child is different. Every person and their history is different. Family histories are different. Abusers are abusers.
God, I wish there were a test that could identify the behavior of (an abused person) so the world could find a way to help them and get them help to stop it before it continues to another generation.  But measured spanking for behavioural modification based differently on each child's personality is not "hitting" or "abuse" . Not until it's twisted into something it's not,  by someone who most likely is re-peating a sick cycle of past personal abuse.

 Why is it that words have to be twisted to conform to an ideology.  Define beating for me.   Spanking, Rodney King,  Reginald. Denny?

I was beat up twice as a kid. Once by a group of guys. I hate that word, it has bad memories for me and I'm guessing I'm not alone.  Is it not a vile word. Yes It Is.  Now add it to a child, and it's incomprehensible. 

You look at this photo and it makes you very angry. It certainly does to me. I see the faces of to many foster children from my childhood. It evokes beating and child abuse. Anyone hurting a child out of their own pain and inability to cope needs to be stopped and get help.
Yet IMHO of being raised in a family that raised 100 foster children and then growing up to raise our own 3 kids,  spanking is not synonymous with abuse or beating. 

 Lets say you hate being poked and a friend keeps poking you in the ribs. You finally say "dont' do that" and they continue. You finally choose to try to stop it. You think it out, and you warn them. You don't want hurt them, so you measure out something (you think about it not just react to it). Let's say they finally poke you and push them hard away and yell, "don't do that again".  That is a measured response and you hope they will understand. No one was injured. That would be the response of someone most likely who was never hit or had been abused. Those abused, would most likely just start a fight. 
Tragically, there are so many generations of adults that were hit and beaten by parents who were beaten even harder, and the cycle continues. 

  Beating of any kind is totally vile. There is some kind of disconnect between measured discipline for a purpose to help a child "stop or change" their behavior,  and or the losing control by lashing out of ones personal anger and history onto a child as it was most likely done to them. 

Time Outs...     are great. Who doesn't use them. 
Take Aways...  Yes,  taking away things is great.
Pinching...  Never was pinched, but if someone pinched me under the arm I'm sure id strike back no matter how old or how big they were. 
Verbal shaming and humiliating.... Never Never Never acceptable and possibly as damaging as hitting. (yup hitting).
Hitting... Not acceptable. ever.... ever... If you hit your kids, (punch, slap, pinch) you need help- so go get it today, it's mean and cruel.   

 Personally,  I probably could have used alot more spankings, time outs, take aways, and more, and it might have saved me from a lot of early poor choices.  But I didn't get, and I can't go back.  However, I certainly spanked our three children up to the ages of 5 or so whenever they reached the end of the other options. . Each child had a final spanking at some point around 5 or 6  where they finally said. Ok, enough, I'll obey, dad loves me and i need to listen and respect his words.  All of a sudden, for each child,  a light bulb went on and like potty training,  they never did it again..  Amazing...   Now my daughter who's in her 30's and a super mom of 4 received "twice" as many spankings as either of our boys put together. That was her personality. Super Strong and defiant.  Go figure. I don't know if she spanks her kids? I've never seen it, but I somehow believe if those kids cross the lines to far, she or her psychologist husband would have no problem laying down the law of love for their benefit and protection..    I have friends who never spanked their kids, their kids grew u just fine, and that was their way.  I certainly wouldn't say their kids turned out better.. that would be a totally subjective  statement from either side and not fair. 

A kid steals cigars, pushes and disrespects store owner as he steals and leaves, walks down the middle of the street with contraband, disrespects a policeman who tells him to walk on the sidewalk, assaults a police officer and taunts him about shooting him.   This poor boy never learned to respect authority and lost his life as a result.  So sad. Had he learned to respect authority (his parent or parents) would he have done any of that? Don't think so... Learning respect changes you however it happens.

 Now with that said, there are twists to this. Mental twists.  I listened to stories of parents that had to literally whip their kids on the butt till their teen years. Others who put on boxing gloves with their boys once they became teens and spanking wouldn't work in helping them respect authority. Many of those kids had other mental health issues to deal with and medications in many cases to weed through.  Sadly  it just took forever for those kids to give up the "control" to a parent and obey.  They would not obey, no matter what the price. My dads brother was that way. He got beaten horribly by my grandfather and never cried no matter what happened to him. He became the toughest kid in the neighborhood and hated bullies. My father on the other hand obeyed much more and didn't have to get punished.  I always felt bad for both the kids and the parents who were trying to keep their kids from hurting themselves. 

Hurting people hurt people.  They use hands, drugs, words, knives, guns or anything they can to lash out or reciprocate when hurting.  And add religion to your anger and abuse and it's an even worse cocktail.  I sadly think that most of them do not seek professional help, hide their pasts and then become repeat offenders on their own children.  

Adrian Peterson is a sports legend. I'm a fan. I'm so sorry for his own childhood and the punishment he received. I hope he finds a better way and that his son realizes his dad loves him in spite of himself.

It seems it takes Super Stars set upon  pedestals to fall off and be found mortal and broken and shamed for us to deal with so many of life's shadow issues.  I pray the abused, wherever they are,  will seek help today to stop the repeating cycles.  It's so tragic. No child EVER deserves to be hit, shamed or beaten.  It's permanent, and lasting with scars.  But again... I'm not talkin bout a spanking here. I'm talking about terrible abuse.

Those who live lives of Faith would say  "Spare the Rod Spoil the Child." Please don't say that. Although it's scripture, it's been used by so many as an excuse for abuse.  Then there is  "God can heal your past".  Well, yes He can, and yes He want to, but scars will remain and when scratched they will still hurt, bleed and invoke a quick, and in many times unwanted response that leaves you saying,... geesh, I only poked you, I was kidding, lighten up..   Attention folks... kidding too often, is not funny at all either.  Kidding is poking, and you might not like the response you think you will get from someone who's weak spot is poking.

So what do we do for our kids and their kids and our friends and neighbors and the people in the sphere of our influence about all of this today?  

I think we should talk openly and honestly.  We should forgive each other first, then give up our pasts,  and then talk openly to professionals,  and then talk to our kids about our scars, bad choices and abuses. Make some good movies about balanced parenting not just the extreme positions on both sides....  Unconditional love is the answer to stop the cycle of violence. It's super natural. In my life, it started at the cross and it's available only in a super natural manner. And yet with that, we accept that love and are afraid to be real because the rest of the world lives conditional love and we are all afraid of being judged before healed.

And everyone said AMEN, you start first.

What do you think..

PS.  And by they way, speaking of abuse?
http://www.worldometers.info/abortions/
There have been 29 Million babies aborted world wide as of Sept. 15th this year. 
Yes I did say THIS YEAR. 

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