Monday, September 15, 2014

Nobody Likes Spanking

This is not a picture of me with my only daughter in the early 80's.
However it could have been because the old wooden spoon was the impersonal giver of consequences, and she always did that with her hands before she received as many swats as her age at the time.
 And if she covered her butt with her hands I'd calmly add one swat each time.
I think she always received one more swat before moving her hands in defiance.

I never spanked my children at moments of disobedience. Always 3 chances and a look and a warning  followed by those great words " Ok, that's it, up to your room (or go to the bathroom) or tonight when we get home you'll get "x". We'll deal with it then. And if you do it again now, we'll just add more on. Sorry, I love you but you had all the other options first."

I hated spanking my kids. Each one had their own levels of "testing you for power and control".
Certainly our daughter was the most obstinate, cunning and willing to fight for control.  She's now my hero/super mom of 4, and I pray she never has to spank her kids for disobedience. She'd honestly tell you - she deserved it, learned from it and certainly has respect not disdain for authority. 
Spanking should be the last resort, but IMHO it should be a measured resort for some (not all).
And if you were abused as a child, you should seek therapy and NEVER spank your kids.
Like alcoholics who quit and never drink again. So it should be for the abused.  Get help and take away your chances to repeat the cycle.
The above pic and list shows other good options.   

 Ok, side bar...  right now as I type i see the heads of cut off children in the middle east stuck on metal fence poles as their punishment for not obeying or converting to radical monsters, and the world turns an eye away from that....  

All right I'm back on topic now.  Personally I never delivered consequences of a spanking at the moment of disobedience and never with "personal anger" in my words or voice or delivery. 
There was always a discussion of what they did wrong, how many chances they got. Then it was, let's get this over, hug, tell you I love you,  and the words I'm sorry you chose to not obey. I hope I don't have to do this again.." followed by a prayer and long hug again.

This was never "hitting", "beating", "slapping" "Pinching"  or all the things much worse than that.  I've discussed in counseling broken adults over the years many stories  of their childhoods where they were treated beyond human in abuse, and I'm sure the abuser parents were abused and it doesn't make it right... ever.
 I can't repeat any of those brutal stories and they were usually tied to sexual abusers as part of the punishments. We're talking SICK people here.Yet today why is it that the word punishment is almost becoming a crime. Like saying the word "sin" or "commandment" or "holiness", they are words that no one wants to really discuss or owe up to anymore.
Now if you know me, you know I AM the "grace" guy not the law and punishment guy.  I am NOT the guy who ever quoted scriptures for punishment like "spare the rod spoil the child".  You certainly don't need a bible to teach you about respect honor and obeying authority.  With that said, I do believe in consequences and spanking is one of them.  When do you cross that line from spanking to child abuse? That is a very very big brother, gun control, abortion, equal rights, racism, political type of question with very passionate answers.   

I do remember being 14 in 9th grade gym class, playing my harmonica at my locker and being pulled into Mr. Riddles office to get the old jock strap bend over wooden paddle with holes in it smack.  I remember tears, and suck it up, and that i hated that guy from that day forward and still do.  Punishment has to be measured and fair. That was just wrong and cruel, even if I sucked at harmonica (which i didn't). 

Police abusing their authority is another example of whats wrong with power in the wrong hands. I'm also guessing every cop who abuses authority was abused as a kid. It's so sad and we need honest solutions to discover peoples histories before we give them (at least) public authority .
I began the thought this morning of even blogging on spanking.  Part of me said, "ooh don't do that, people might think you believe in child abuse".   CNN this morning had a debate on it over the A.P./Vikings story from this last weekend, and they couched it as "hitting" not "spanking". Over and over it was "hitting your child is legal, the only person you can legally hit is your child".  CNN headline: "Spanking is Child Abuse".  Never did they say "spanking" as anything humanly acceptable. Never did they mention punishment for behavioural change, other than to say "hitting doesn't work it's abuse". Agreed, hitting is bad. Really bad.

Well, every child is different. Every person and their history is different. Family histories are different. Abusers are abusers.
God, I wish there were a test that could identify the behavior of (an abused person) so the world could find a way to help them and get them help to stop it before it continues to another generation.  But measured spanking for behavioural modification based differently on each child's personality is not "hitting" or "abuse" . Not until it's twisted into something it's not,  by someone who most likely is re-peating a sick cycle of past personal abuse.

 Why is it that words have to be twisted to conform to an ideology.  Define beating for me.   Spanking, Rodney King,  Reginald. Denny?

I was beat up twice as a kid. Once by a group of guys. I hate that word, it has bad memories for me and I'm guessing I'm not alone.  Is it not a vile word. Yes It Is.  Now add it to a child, and it's incomprehensible. 

You look at this photo and it makes you very angry. It certainly does to me. I see the faces of to many foster children from my childhood. It evokes beating and child abuse. Anyone hurting a child out of their own pain and inability to cope needs to be stopped and get help.
Yet IMHO of being raised in a family that raised 100 foster children and then growing up to raise our own 3 kids,  spanking is not synonymous with abuse or beating. 

 Lets say you hate being poked and a friend keeps poking you in the ribs. You finally say "dont' do that" and they continue. You finally choose to try to stop it. You think it out, and you warn them. You don't want hurt them, so you measure out something (you think about it not just react to it). Let's say they finally poke you and push them hard away and yell, "don't do that again".  That is a measured response and you hope they will understand. No one was injured. That would be the response of someone most likely who was never hit or had been abused. Those abused, would most likely just start a fight. 
Tragically, there are so many generations of adults that were hit and beaten by parents who were beaten even harder, and the cycle continues. 

  Beating of any kind is totally vile. There is some kind of disconnect between measured discipline for a purpose to help a child "stop or change" their behavior,  and or the losing control by lashing out of ones personal anger and history onto a child as it was most likely done to them. 

Time Outs...     are great. Who doesn't use them. 
Take Aways...  Yes,  taking away things is great.
Pinching...  Never was pinched, but if someone pinched me under the arm I'm sure id strike back no matter how old or how big they were. 
Verbal shaming and humiliating.... Never Never Never acceptable and possibly as damaging as hitting. (yup hitting).
Hitting... Not acceptable. ever.... ever... If you hit your kids, (punch, slap, pinch) you need help- so go get it today, it's mean and cruel.   

 Personally,  I probably could have used alot more spankings, time outs, take aways, and more, and it might have saved me from a lot of early poor choices.  But I didn't get, and I can't go back.  However, I certainly spanked our three children up to the ages of 5 or so whenever they reached the end of the other options. . Each child had a final spanking at some point around 5 or 6  where they finally said. Ok, enough, I'll obey, dad loves me and i need to listen and respect his words.  All of a sudden, for each child,  a light bulb went on and like potty training,  they never did it again..  Amazing...   Now my daughter who's in her 30's and a super mom of 4 received "twice" as many spankings as either of our boys put together. That was her personality. Super Strong and defiant.  Go figure. I don't know if she spanks her kids? I've never seen it, but I somehow believe if those kids cross the lines to far, she or her psychologist husband would have no problem laying down the law of love for their benefit and protection..    I have friends who never spanked their kids, their kids grew u just fine, and that was their way.  I certainly wouldn't say their kids turned out better.. that would be a totally subjective  statement from either side and not fair. 

A kid steals cigars, pushes and disrespects store owner as he steals and leaves, walks down the middle of the street with contraband, disrespects a policeman who tells him to walk on the sidewalk, assaults a police officer and taunts him about shooting him.   This poor boy never learned to respect authority and lost his life as a result.  So sad. Had he learned to respect authority (his parent or parents) would he have done any of that? Don't think so... Learning respect changes you however it happens.

 Now with that said, there are twists to this. Mental twists.  I listened to stories of parents that had to literally whip their kids on the butt till their teen years. Others who put on boxing gloves with their boys once they became teens and spanking wouldn't work in helping them respect authority. Many of those kids had other mental health issues to deal with and medications in many cases to weed through.  Sadly  it just took forever for those kids to give up the "control" to a parent and obey.  They would not obey, no matter what the price. My dads brother was that way. He got beaten horribly by my grandfather and never cried no matter what happened to him. He became the toughest kid in the neighborhood and hated bullies. My father on the other hand obeyed much more and didn't have to get punished.  I always felt bad for both the kids and the parents who were trying to keep their kids from hurting themselves. 

Hurting people hurt people.  They use hands, drugs, words, knives, guns or anything they can to lash out or reciprocate when hurting.  And add religion to your anger and abuse and it's an even worse cocktail.  I sadly think that most of them do not seek professional help, hide their pasts and then become repeat offenders on their own children.  

Adrian Peterson is a sports legend. I'm a fan. I'm so sorry for his own childhood and the punishment he received. I hope he finds a better way and that his son realizes his dad loves him in spite of himself.

It seems it takes Super Stars set upon  pedestals to fall off and be found mortal and broken and shamed for us to deal with so many of life's shadow issues.  I pray the abused, wherever they are,  will seek help today to stop the repeating cycles.  It's so tragic. No child EVER deserves to be hit, shamed or beaten.  It's permanent, and lasting with scars.  But again... I'm not talkin bout a spanking here. I'm talking about terrible abuse.

Those who live lives of Faith would say  "Spare the Rod Spoil the Child." Please don't say that. Although it's scripture, it's been used by so many as an excuse for abuse.  Then there is  "God can heal your past".  Well, yes He can, and yes He want to, but scars will remain and when scratched they will still hurt, bleed and invoke a quick, and in many times unwanted response that leaves you saying,... geesh, I only poked you, I was kidding, lighten up..   Attention folks... kidding too often, is not funny at all either.  Kidding is poking, and you might not like the response you think you will get from someone who's weak spot is poking.

So what do we do for our kids and their kids and our friends and neighbors and the people in the sphere of our influence about all of this today?  

I think we should talk openly and honestly.  We should forgive each other first, then give up our pasts,  and then talk openly to professionals,  and then talk to our kids about our scars, bad choices and abuses. Make some good movies about balanced parenting not just the extreme positions on both sides....  Unconditional love is the answer to stop the cycle of violence. It's super natural. In my life, it started at the cross and it's available only in a super natural manner. And yet with that, we accept that love and are afraid to be real because the rest of the world lives conditional love and we are all afraid of being judged before healed.

And everyone said AMEN, you start first.

What do you think..

PS.  And by they way, speaking of abuse?

There have been 29 Million babies aborted world wide as of Sept. 15th this year. 
Yes I did say THIS YEAR. 

As usual, please free to comment, Share, re-post on social media and "follow" this blog.

Friday, September 12, 2014

I Really Really Need You, Really

If you're leading people and volunteers.
please memorize these 5 words

" Manipulation is cheating, not leading"

I like starting my blogs with a relative photo to my theme but today I can not because any photo of any person or minister I'd put up would make it look like I'm pointing my finger at them. Ok I'll post myself because I've been guilty of what I speak. 
I had a music video posted the other day and one of the people who commented on it was a gentleman named Larry Broughton.   Larry who?  Exactly.  Now I don't know Larry,  but in the age of the ether and social media "sharing" not just "liking" is one of the best ways to... well.... "share" things that affect you. When folks share my posts or music, I try to look them up in my quiet time and say thanks. 

So I search out Larry and find out he's a veteran and a motivational speaker amongst other entrepreneurial things. Well on his site I see 5 words and they hit me like a 2by4 between my headlights.
They come from a book called "flashpoints" that he's written. I don't own it, but again :), we "share" it in hopes of exposing it for good.   So yea, now back to those 5 words.

I read, Manipulation is cheating, not leading, and the faces and voices of every horror story from a tear filled, wounded ex-staffer or volunteer I've ever counseled flashed by my brain. Half sweat and nausea came over me as I took a deep breath.  Wheewww, theres a trigger point in my life Jesus, let's pray about that one today huh?

So there it is, 5 words. Memorize them.  I'm done,  have a nice day..

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Holy Bio Terroristic Caliphate Batman.

 If only we could call Batman or Superman or the Ninja Turtles to deal with our enemies..
Having just finished  writing a screenplay with cool weaponry and their delivery by trained soldiers, my mind is filled with the thoughts that run through the minds of content creators. I call it the "What If".

I've not wanted to say this for sometime but, oh, I've thought it and I think it may be behind some of our Governments unwillingness to talk about a "strategy". To form a strategy you must spell out what you're dealing with.  Right... That's probably not as easy to share as you'ld think.

Think about our two wonderful doctors working to save the world. from Ebola. They are the opposite of Terrorists. Like Medics in war they are potential martyrs for life.  And when we found out they were infected with Ebola and that they were coming home in quarantine, there was a lot of "What If" going on.

Tom Clancy probably wrote about all this 15years ago, but since I don't read his stuff I wouldn't know.
Well, What if the crazy caliphate driven masses are convinced by the Imams or ayatollah to either smuggle their ways into Africa to contract Ebola as their weapon of suicide or purchase it or some other Small pox type virus on the black market through fellow radicals in Africa or somewhere. What if they head back to the Mt's in the middle east, test it's actual incubation period on martyrs, plan an invasion then infect hundreds of western looking passport carrying ISIS martyrs for the ultimate death as a bio martyrs. Traveling here before their fevers start so as to be undetectable by heat scan (which has been employed before in Japanese scares on airlines) and sending a dozen or so infected Westerners to every Sunday football stadium for a grand football outing and then just planning days to infect the cities down town areas  until they lay down and die with their great video martyr note at their side....  How you gonna stop that... How do WE protect our nation from that? Sounds like a Screenplay hey?  Well it's not.. yet..

Forget suicide bombs and transportation delivery. The movement to bio terrorism via martyrs is their logical move to this ignorant Midwesterner in fly over country. Starting with Ebola, we now  have the mosquito driven encephalitis virus that just surfaced in Japan... again..  Well, will we see more and more of these viruses just "pop" up in dense population areas?  Are the wild claims of conspiracy folks about the Bilderberg group eliminating the population from 7billion down to 1.25billion really plausible? 

 Who knows.  Call Jesse Ventura I certainly don't know and speculating is not my job nor my pay grade. But, protecting my family is, so what is the best way to be informed and be safe as a nation. as we go about our 40hr work weeks raising families and trying hard NOT to think about this stuff. Where is there NO spin..    Listen to the main 3 cable networks? Yea, ok , i peruse them each for 15min a day to see what I already know they are going to spin. Talk radio? same deal...  Newspapers? (not in America for sure).  Web blogs and web news sites? yea, but again anyone can say anything on the web and it's repeated as gospel...  So what do you do?

I guess look at all the comments and facts you can at your disposal and look at the past and look at what someone says they want to do to you or in Russia's case (what they've already done) and decide if it's a hill to die over and rise up about.   For us, in the end I pray for whomever the President is. Can't imagine the intel he is deciding from and the powers that push him apart from his own moral conscience and convictions about war and morality and America's standing in a global community.  He has to make the call and live with it, and we have to act accordingly and deal with the aftermath.   Presidents make good and bad decisions. They all do. Let's hope he's praying and listening to more than his Blackberry and caddies suggestions at these times.  We need him to focus on our safety.  I think that one is one of the few things he promises in his Oath Of Office and I'm praying he'll think about the nation not his legacy or party. I'll pray the same for the next president as well.  Land in Montana could be getting expensive very soon..

I suspect god fearing muslims in America will soon be having to make serious choices about all of this very soon. Once these Caliphate driven muslims begin striking here, the very existence of any Muslim family  in the country will sadly be in jeopardy  for fear of ties to them.. Remember the Japanese internment camps.. That was nothing, they went willingly and humbly. Yes America will have to make terrible choices ahead to protect our borders.  Oh yea,,,, borders... :/    

I'm posting these thoughts on my blog today after seeing that another Reporter was beheaded today in the Mideast. My last Facebook post on that was removed so I'm guessing that any thoughts I  have about any of this will be here on my blog and then posted to social media where it can be blocked but not eliminated...  

Pray for your leaders every day and pray for God to give wisdom to them at this time.