In The Dark

In the dark there are mysteries.
From childhood we swim in the emotions of what we can't see.  There is that quickening of your senses when the unknown becomes intertwined with reality. The raised hair on your neck and arms, or legs or whole body. The instant sweats. The rapid breathing and fight or flight feeling that sets into motion the adrenalin that amplifies it all like gas and a match as one second becomes ten.

  As one who doesn't watch horror flicks, I don't like to feed the adrenalin I feel when I'm in the dark. As a lover of the mountains, I try hard to find ways to survive my thoughts each night as I try to fall asleep in a  one man tent alone surrounded by things that can eat me in one bite or a dozen mouths.  With only a 4" knife, a propane stove and sometimes pepper spray for defense the brain can wander.   As the picture above shows an arbitrary camp fire, I can tell you where every photo campfire was taken. The fires light and the sky and the trees are my safety as the temperature drops each night. And during these times you reflect on all that was good that day, and you fill your mind with good thoughts to carry you into the dark and cold of night.  Ok, a good shot of whiskey from an old cowboy flask doesn't hurt before you get in your bed role or bag either.  

The sounds that wake you in the night or during storms will come. And they will scare you, and you will pray and open a knife and hold a can of spray and listen and hear things no mortal should be able to hear at those times.  And usually it will pass, and the wind and branches or the animals will move on if you were smart enough to not leave food or scraps or bottles or wrappers or drippings near your sleeping quarters. This could be a much longer blog of those stories alone today,  but I'll leave those for another night.

The Sounds...

Everyplace in your life where you are confronted with the dark you will remember sounds.  And you may associate everyone of those with smells and temperatures and feelings of the past.   And it will never stop while you're alive. You will just learn to mitigate it like everything else you do as an adult.  And every time it happens again like the first time, you will be scared once more..

And there it was again.   I awoke in the dark. The sounds were strange. Tubes in me everywhere. A tube on my vocal chords searing with a pain like I'd never known. The strange sounds of a respirator slowly breathing for me.  And the adrenaline kicks in.  And everything slows down.  And you begin to listen to what you are up against and how you're going to fight.

  I'm alive. Ok, I begin praying and thanking God for that much. Other than my vocal chords, I'm not feeling much pain so I'm thankful for whatever drugs I'm full of.  I hear random soft voices "we're drawing blood, we're taking samples". I feel nothing so I'm thankful for the drugs again.  I open my eyes for the first time and there is  that film over them and everything is blurry but there is light.  Oh glorious light. 

Like a campfire in the distance of night.  It's a door, my door and I slowly see movement every few minutes of bodies slowly making their rounds in the middle of the night. This time it's not animals to eat me, it's helpers to drug me.  And there is a comfort in the darkness there. A knowing that this darkness is for good not evil.  

Like Ed Harris in the "Abyss" when he wakes up at the bottom of the ocean surrounded by gods and angels without any understanding of how and why. And the music is surreal and the calm confusion is stunning. Yes, that is it. Calm confusion. And in those moments you take stock. And like Harris in this photo, you become humbled and feel unworthy of whatever is happening. 

And now my thoughts roll to veterans and survivors of accidents where others have died. It's that why me overwhelming feeling ? Why do I live and they die.  And there's the sadness mixed with the joy of voices you hear that you love.  A bittersweet knowing that you can't verbalize.
And you close your eyes and think about the places that you remember being alone in the dark and ok.  And I'm at that fire with a billion stars and the temps dropping fast and the visualizing of my next mornings hike up the mountain and supplies and the filling of my brain with good thoughts to take into the dark night and i smile and i drift off like every night, saying those same words, "Ok Lord, I love you, protect my loved ones, protect me too. And if I'm gonna be eaten, may it be in one bite so I can see you soon - Amen".   Yes, that's a mountain prayer, I'll admit I don't pray that in the city and city prayers are much more narcissistic about my problems today and tomorrow and my enemies and roadblocks ahead.  Come to think of it, mountain prayers are probably allot easier for God to listen to and answer. 

But in the dark a prayer is a prayer.  It's that step of faith. That leap into the unknown where you've been a million times before. That double prayer at times. One for the prayer and the other for the faith to believe you're not crazy for saying the prayer.  One thing I know my friends. God is not impressed with our knowledge. He is much happier with honesty and good questions.  If only we could take that from the dark to the light as quickly as we are willing to spread rumors from the back room to the water cooler, or best friend to next best friend or spouse.

I'm hoping that the dark will become less a mystery and more a new set of questions not to be feared.

I'm praying that my few bad memories of the dark will fade before my final curtain here,  and I might be blessed enough to help walk others through some of dark and scary times with a firm hand that says "In these dark times be still and know you are surrounded by good. For God has sent god's and angels to help you find your best and brightest future. Today they may help you with your pain, tomorrow they may only help you endure it. And someday you may only have their memories and words to help you face the darkness.   Be still and know, with faith and hope there is love.... even  when you walk In The Dark.