Big Picture ?

If you are in a good mood and feeling cheery this wonderful day, you might not want to read my thoughts today without praying or chanting or drinking.  I never forget that my life is full of friends with  different faiths, no faiths, extreme faiths and confused faiths. So, I try to blog with that in mind..

So lately I've been on the telephone in deep conversation about politics and life and faith and God and Guns and War and Death and Patriotism and Conspiracies and Narcissists,Pacifists,Social/Communists and Capitalist. And, and do you know what?

It always ends in a mometary sick feeling of nauseous hopelessness.

Then i take a breath, pray, remember where my hope is found, remember the purity and innocence of     God in a childs eyes,  as they are viewing the world unstained.... before they quickly decide they want to own it (6months tops).  And then quickly the circle comes around again , and I know that like me, every child will lose that innocence,  that everyone will seek their own, that every mortal will live "fallen" and form and find groups that agree with them, and their views.
In the secular it will be country clubs or gangs,  political groups or anti-political groups (oxymoron-- ya think?) . And on the other end in the Sacred it will be.. More and more denominations and split denominations and, and, sectarianism and dogma. Splitting us into smaller and smaller insulated groups who find it harder and harder to find Jesus among us and across the isle.

And now we have social media to help us in the secular and sacred to figure out exactly who thinks and breathes like us, so that on our side and from our perspectives we can unite our smaller groups to become a larger more powerful, set apart, (self) righteous group.  While all the while, in the background, behind it all, those  global few, who plot and play to build these systems, can use our info,money and passions to sell us whatever they have pre-purchased to sell us in the first place.
Oh, like a court jester I'm laughing as I type..  Hey if i were one of the few who rule the world, and regardless of my faith, it is  the unfortunate byproduct of that wealth that makes man want more and more and more, I'm sure I'd be trying to find a way to be the winner as well. Whatever it took at the cheapest price.. And i'd Hire others to do the dirty work so I could put on my white robes and give away money through my charities, while others die creating it all for me. (would anybody like a potty break yet?)


And again, here I am, and it all comes back to that sick feeling. Why...

Is it winter?, the dreary cold and grey of January? Is it the incessant news cycles, rarely saying anything redeeming to us, except that 60sec. "life" story at the end of the news.
It is the global economy, and seeing your friends, family and loved ones losing jobs, homes,marriage and faith.
Is it possibly where I'm focusing my time and attention?

What am I looking for in my search for justice?  Some great solution. For God (or man)  to wipe out my enemies, my political and "whatever" foes. For my political, economic and social politics to rule and reign?  All to show the world "I" (and my small group) was correct; and that every time i called the rest of you names - for your views, well,  I am now vindicated?  Mooo Ah-haa-haa-haa-haaaaaaa.

If only they could see the truth "i say".( Ok, well me and MY friends say that... But the rest of the world, they are to ignorant or (add) rightwing or leftwing or chickenwing to really get it or see our solutions as the correct ones.)

Ya know, there was something in the 60's movement "all you need is love"  that was truth. Albit twisted and contorted to fit into a drug induced 5yr party. My generation - that generation,  through it all , at the core, I believe, was crying out for truth.  Few adults were listening or saw anything but sex drugs and rock and roll and it gave southern preachers one more reason to turn up the "fire" volume a bit higher.

Hey, we knew those two single beds with one Queen cover, were split much of the time. Ozzy and Harriet were hiding that, and no one was talking.  Television created such a false reality of life and what was really happening that I think it's part of the blow back to how far we've come to the other side of the street on TV and cable.

Were Ozzy and Harriet any less messed up  than Ozzy & the Osbornes.?    We mostly knew our fathers worked to hard and smoked and drank to much and went to church on sunday in a suit, at an attempt to find some redemption from their wives if not their gods.  We knew our mothers were living too much of life with un fulfilled dreams around an ironing board,  finding soap operas as one of the few fantasy drugs of choice. Hey forget about love, truth and justice, just obey the rules was the underlying thread. And really, honestly, Eddie Haskell was probably the most real person on family sitcoms at the time. God bless  Leave it to Beaver. I think The Osbornes is probably a pretty good look at what the Nelsons would have looked like 50 years later.

Imagine what the 60's would have been like if we had had the internet revolution after Sputnic instead of it dropping in the lap of Clinton and it's inventor from TN, 50 years later.
Nixon could have hacked the DNC from 1,000 miles away and would never have had to get caught lying.  Where would we be now.  Pretty scary eh?
Well, that's where were going, and the car might be getting 40mpg now, but it's still headed to the same end at a faster pace exponentially every day.

So can you stop it, or in the imortal words of Mr. Smith "It's Inevitable Mr. Anderson".

And what do we do in the mean time. While the world and man is crashing around you?

Because we are safe in a prosperous democracy, most never even think about this stuff.. But the time is coming when we all will have that reckoning in America, and with what's happening in the global economy i think more americans are sobering up each day to these possible realities.

As my last blog said. "My hope is found in Christ alone, and all that that entails". Yup, each of us must find that on our own. Every journey different, every moment changing how we view and accept it all.

For me, I can't live a day without His Grace, Forgiveness, Mercy, Peace and Joy.  Or the  knowing "in faith" that this is the beginning not the ending.  Heaven and Earth will pass away but His "Word" which has always been and will always be, which was in the beginning, and through it, all things were created from it, which was made to flesh, and dwelt among us, and lived and taught us and redeemed us from ourselves.  (all supernatural mumbo jumbo to anyone who doesn't study scripture, but it is "the living Word" none the less).
{sidebar} I know many people hate or don't understand all the Christian "catch words and phrases" used all the time. Sorry.. I do try hard not to quote scripture and use those words, but it can be hard truly explaining yourself without them sometimes.

A friend blogged lately of a dialog with God. He mentioned in essence, that for so many, when we pray or worship Him he hears ssodk, kdjjook ajdp c;lkjf kpldks a pl foekdj s vnkdolps lpleks because our motives in it all make our worship worthless.  Well,  I'm sure that without faith, much of the bible looks the same.  Confusing and worthless.  It sure did for me before I began a walk of faith. It was only then that those " aldk slkdj  9idjf ckkw tow". words became  "I have come to give you life and life more abundantly".

Solomon, oh Solomon.. in all the sorrow and sadness of money and power and wisdom, maybe you should have asked for only 1 wife and a house on a hillside with a cantor job in the synagog. After all, ignorance is bliss if you can live with it.

I look today at my family, children, grand children and friends. My father has gone, my mother is rapidly going. They will all go away. So too will I.
None of us taking anything with us, but a ledger of decisions and choices mixed with memories in our souls. As Don Henley so properly sang "Aint no luggage racks on the hearse down the block".

News Flash.....  none of us choose the best answer very often. I certainly don't.  Get over it.  Stop lying from high lofty places to yourself.. and others..    I'm really trying each day to lay it all down even though I fail so often.. but...
Yup. , again, that's where Grace, Mercy and Forgiveness come in to your life.  Replacing the fear of laws and judgement, that are used to make you stop and think if all else fails. Mercy does triumph over judgement.

And in the end it's Private Ryan again.

Yup, over and over I'll end blogs with that. Even knowing that Christ did it all, and paid the price. There will always be that mortal part of me / of us, that "is" Private Ryan in the final scene photo above. Asking, begging, for acceptance from the one who gave his live for him.

And as for the beginning of todays "rabbit trail blog" comments on American politics and what it does to my heart (and your's most likely)..
I must vote, I support democracy.  I want less Govt., (and all that means) I do love the American Experiment over all the others. I will try to respect others whom I painfully disagree with, by, not responding to things I can't change, and actually trying to listen to them when they won't listen back and hopefully the same goes for them.:)

I said in a Facebook post a few weeks ago that now with 800 million people all connected and sharing their opinions behind a glossy screen and a Mobi, that this is gonna get really ugly before Nov. elections in  the USA.

So my friends of faith, strap on a helmet, seatbelt, ear buds and get your heart ready to handle the onslot of onslots coming your way.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and He will never leave nor forsake me. (repeat as needed).
And for my friends who don't believe, but love me enough to still wonder what I'm thinkin...
I love you all regardless, and hope you return the favor :)....

"Living in the privacy of God"

Smiles are a precious thing to be shared. They are the outward reflection of an inward understanding.

So many types of smiles. Happy, loving, in love, scared, shocked, sad, sick, longing...

So here today is a photo of my mother and my oldest son. Taken in 2011 in my living room. I ask you, what kind of smiles are those.
I see in my son, "I love my grandma".  I see in my moms eyes, "I am such a blessed woman".

It was the last time she visited our home.  Now with advanced stage Alzheimer's she walks no more and lives in a facility with hospice care.  Solomon had it right in his later years. Life is not fair.
 Should we have to watch our loved ones live in gowns and not know where we are half the time, with people yelling and crying and hallucinating around you 24hrs a day?
Only the wealthy can take their loved ones home with enough staff to care for them in this state 24 hours a day. God bless all those capable of doing this.. it is the best way if possible.

And so we visit. For me, I dread it every time. I don't want to go see her like this.  The reality of what her 24 hour cycle consists of  (on the outside and in the natural)  is sickening. Yet she still knows most of us, most of the time. She will think my brothers or sons are me. Ouch.. But after the first time it's just reality. Leaving is the hardest. Like leaving a helpless child in a hospital.

Your mind takes you to the the little things.  My mom, Marilyn, used to be an Arthur Murray dance instructor. When you danced with her, she'd give you "about" two measures of a song, before she took over like a professional jockey and tossed you about the floor, whispering, elbows up , hand up, back straight. You didn't like her leading but you sure knew you were better by it.


And now.. I pick her up and set her in a chair. The irony.
Ironic, that is, as well, that those of you who know me, know I was in a wheel chair with "leg perthes" from 4 years old on, (told I would never walk), and my mom had to lift and carry me everywhere in the non handicapped world of the 60's. Never complained. Yup she'd grab me under an arm and put me on her hip like carrying a sack of potatoes out the door to the old Chevy with the "Everlast' wheelchair in the trunk, and then off to try to find some place to shop without any stairs to navigate. This photo was me leaving the Shriners Hospital in 1960. What a blessing that organization has been to so many who could not afford specialists, and, Shriners is still private, not a tax payer funded govt. run money pit. I'm so thankful for all the Shriners who have given so much for children and every time I lift my mom up I'm reminded of all their heavy lifting.

sidebar:
So here I am blogging about my mom today, and somehow it still has to come around to me. "squirrel"...   me, me, geeze, does it always have to be about me somehow in the middle of the circle. Hey don't you love blogs where you type your thoughts and leave them lying there naked and exposed. YES.  it's where people learn to be real and realize we all are so much the same with different coverings. From the most famous to the least of these.

ok i'm back now.. :)
Growing up, Marilyn used to read 3 to 5 books at a time. One at every chair, and cassettes of her favorite preachers blasting at the same time in the background from the kitchen cassette deck where the smell of old Folger's coffee was coming from. All day long. Robertson, Hagen, Felsdick, Graham, Haage, Seville, Copeland, DuPlantis, B. Brim, M. Hickey, J. Meyers and on and on. All the end times books strewn about.  I guess now in retrospect that kinda explains why at any moment she would also pick up the National Enquire and quote it like it was the bible.  So funny, the things that intrest people differently...

 Now, today, she doesn't read anymore. Can hardly imagine her not with a book or paper in her hand.  She would say to you today, "Why should I read, if I can't remember it in 5 min."

So what's my lesson here today. It's not to be sad or bitter or angry. Not to focus on the negative. That's not my purpose.

It's this..

Sitting with my wife and our youngest son the other night, Marilyn was more in the moment than usual. Getting ready for dinner she was wheeled out in the open area. We sat holding hands and she had those incredible swings of emotion from "where am I, I don't even know where I am", to, deep loving smiles and the words, "i love you so much". Ouch..

In that moment, she reached out to Janes hand,  and in a far away stare as she touched Janes ring, she said, "I'm living in the privacy of God".

Take that in for a moment. Think about it and each word in context of her current life.

She then said " is that written on your ring?" we said "no mom, you just said it". She responded with a  blank pondering stare, and we all sat quietly for a moment.. in the moment.

My friends, what if, in all of this, that is it.

What if we all in the end, when our minds and bodies go, enter a private  world with God. A place where on the outside we are bound and shackled to the world around us, but in our very spirits we live quietly, protected in the privacy of God. Waiting for our earthly vessels to give up, give out, and let us fly home to a place or space where there are no words to describe "being one" again with our dad and creator.

Thanks mom, I need to pray more. To seek that same place you've now found. That private place with God, where all things are laid bare, where nothing matters in the flesh anymore, but listening for His voice, waiting for His hand, and longing for the day to "being one" again.

Don't know about you my friends, but I just can't imagine a day or a moment any longer in life without  in faith "knowing" God's presence, peace and purpose.  To experience all the fears, failures, triumphs and victories without it, is, in the words of Solomon, "meaningless".

If you are young and reading this, i'm sure much of it has little meaning yet. For those older than I, you may see folly and error in my youthful words. For everyone, I just hope you take a moment and ask the question. "Am I ready to be alone with God. To sit and to listen to what He has to say to me about my life?"

Do you think it will be questions and finger pointing or praise and adoration?
And when He speaks, will you smile with joy or fear, happiness or sadness?
Be still, ask good questions, and for god sake, don't stop listening. I think He's everywhere...

 We just need to find the places where it's quiet and we can actually listen. shhhhhhhhhhh.

Red Letters of a Holy Umbrella

New Year, New Hopes, New Dreams, New Promises, New Victories, 

New Defeats, New Failures, New Frustrations. 

Same as it ever was, but what are you gonna focus on.  Where are you gonna hang your hat, What horse are you betting on. Is your glass gonna be half full or half empty.  For those following Christ, did Jesus change this last year, or are you seeing Him differently. 

All of us who are trying to live out a life of faith in a world where at least in the USA,  faith is dumbed down to right wing politics or left wing social gospels. 

We are struggling to find,  to relate to and to affect the world around us as Jesus did.

Well, my friend, what kind of Umbrella are you choosing to live under today.  Many around us, are leaving traditional  "AND" non-traditional church. They even questioning "what really is church". Does this surprise you? Why.

It's now, Social Change,  Rock Concerts, Small Groups, Home Groups, Satellite feeds, Video Replays in the coffee shop or school or theater, Back yard BBQ's, Camping trips and Random acts of kindness?

What is church, none or some of the above?

Someone said "if we are His people, following His words, then He is the church and lives in us, and we "are" the church where ever we go whatever we do, for better for worse.

So what about your spiritual covering then... Your spiritual accountability...  

Especially if you are a new or young believer? 

I like the above photo above. Men have created 1000's of umbrellas to park yourself under as accountability, or as a covering for your  faith. To be a "king" over you to protect and watch over you.  Do they look different from a distance. They eventually end up having the name or names of some men on them somewhere who honestly decided, or their people decided, that they were the Matix's "oracle" .   The list is long and bloody.  It involves more tragedy death and sin that anyone care to remember, all in order to claim to be "the" umbrella, and be separate from the rest of them protecting those under it.    Mans or better yet,  "MY" intentions may begin good in doing this myself, but are always flawed with pride and selfish ambition at the core; if you dig deep enough, or offer me enough or offend me enough... Well, I believe God knows this. I believe it's why he told Samuel "HE", was their king and they needed no other.. 

Have we ever really listened to God  much outside of our own questions and desires.. to His....

What did he say. What did Jesus say.

Over and over again I ask myself this.  What did He say, What did he do, What did He mean.

Everything else I can question at another level, but the Gospels and the Red Letter Words seem to be the best common ground in fellowship. I read and study it all, but keep coming  back to "what did Jesus say and do...

So with that said,  who do you believe when it comes to interpretation of even "HIS" quoted words. Do we listen to mens voices or Gods Holy Spirit speaking in our hearts as we study, pray and live it out, learning as you go..   "I" think both.  But, in the end you have to trust, pray and be willing to change, as we learn through increasing knowledge and life experiences, of the great  failure and victory, pain and pleasure in "life". 

There are so many divergent thoughts about "who's right", who has the best "whatever" on life as a believer. Who convicts or make me feel the best. Who's in  the spiritual Robb Report this year. Who plays and sings the best. Who can I follow this year....  and in the words of "Men at Work", "Who can it be now"...

Hey, i'm  more and more coming to think, as in all things of life, "it's the journey not the prize, not the quantity but the quality" that we really should focus on. The  eternal prize is there, and it's a promise, and I hold to it firmly, but, 

We should work for work sake - not for the paycheck

We should give for the sake of giving - not for the return

We should love for love's sake - not for the selfishness in Eros or payback.

Sure sounds simple eh..

You know the world is full of different people searching for the same meaning to life as you and I. All with their 5 senses wide open as they navigate this blue marble.   Jesus lived amongst them and around them every day. Who honestly accepted Jesus, and who usually rejected Him for his words and deeds.  Who was He trying to reach and who's business was He about? I think He'd hang with Kiss before me. He sole my heart already.

Today when the world see's Christianity as we live and breath it, do they see Jesus, and His abundant life, His unconditional love, His complete trust in the Father? 

Do they ever see this through us ?  How often? 

Ok, they may be looking for every thing wrong and nothing right. Yes that's true. They may fight, run and hide from truth and grace, fully understanding in their flesh what they will have to give up to follow Christ. 

 Oh and we may say "What you gain is way better than what you give up", but honestly they look at us, instead of Jesus,  and too often say "do I really want to be like that"?

We need to throw off the chains of self-righteousness,  

and expose our boots for what they are quite often covered with, as we go about trying to tend this messy garden. Put down the tools on occasion, and open our arms to those within our reach. 

We must  put on the whole armor of God, but  never forget that it is held together by the greatest of all...  "Love".

That might  also mean putting down your umbrella, exposing yourself to  more "problems" and letting the rain actually mess your hair and get you wet infront of everyone who you want to respect you. We might have to actually pray for understanding from You, Father, instead of expecting if from man every day, somewhere, somehow.   We might have to learn to worship without a leader in front or around us. 

We might actually go out every day and interact with other believers, breaking bread wherever we are going or working.  Playing and worshiping and encouraging sharing and admonishing each other, one on one, two on two. wherever we are.   Building each other up, supporting each other, each within their own means, as well as praying for each other and developing relationships to the point where accountability, and covering , becomes a natural outpouring of love between friends.  
Gee wiz what would we call that. 

Truth in Advertising..

Today I begin writing in the spirit of Andy Rooney of 60min. fame.  You could actually read this and hear his voice most of the time.:)


Some how this week in reading newspapers, blogs, emails, texts, Groupon coupons, church billboards, websites and the rest. Then there was all the cable new shows and the ever in your face talk radio. 


Well,  I'm think i'm giving up on truth in advertising. It appears that truth appears in life, to be spun into whatever the spinner is trying to accomplish, for whomever is paying their bills. Politics, being probably the best example of it today.


I think it was Groupon or one of those many services I receive each day that got to me the last few weeks.. 50% off 75% off 90% off right now!   Super!  Groovy! Down with it!  Till you go through 4 pages of links and ads, to find out it's 50% off on up to the first $10.00  you spend, if , you spend over $100. .  So really it's 5%..


Pick an ad.. any ad,  for someone selling something. Trinkets, Trucks, Truth, Transparency, Toys and Time.  How is each pitch spun, to convince you that it's what you really need, as opposed to "we're the same as everyone else, and this might actually kill you if you take it."

Don't know bout you, but I'm finding it more difficult every day to believe just about anything I hear or read anymore. And like I said, this political season in America,  has made it almost unbearable already, to believe anyone about anything, regardless of party or preference.


Then there's religion. OMG. Yup Really God, OMG.  All the slogans, new church names to hide the denomination affiliations and on and on.  We're trying to get folks into  buildings by just about any means possible today. Productions, Give Aways,Free Cars, Trips, Classes, Free Food,  Helps Ministries, lights cameras and action, tatoo's and bowling shirts, and a million marketing ideas all in play, so long as everyone is willing to fit our mold; pun intended, or view.

We still put people in classes and ask them to join our groups because it's what were comfortable with.. It's what we've been taught, it's what we're supposed to do.  
  Well honestly, I'm not sure who to believe anymore, except the Red Letter Words, and what the Holy Spirit speaks to my heart when I'm in earnest prayer.
Big Book stores are full of writers telling you God meant it this way or God meant it that way or God's coming back or Gods really pissed at your ineptness or He doesn't even care about what you do, He only cares if you say "Geeeeesus" and I only care if you buy mine. Miiiiiiiineeeee.


So we look to smart people and or scholars and teachers (not in any order) to enlighten us. And we find out, in time, that it divides us more often than ever uniting us.


We pray for wisdom.  Well no  shhhish-kabob Sherlock. If God doesn't help us navigate through our own waste we create, we dont' have a chance at a peaceful solution in this lifetime.

Then there's Jesus.  (big sigh of relief coming. You can hear the music swelling of your favorite movie theme. You have your own picture in your head of How incredible He is).  Yes Jesus, The One, The Only. The Real Deal.  Gosh I love that name.

The one who came and paid the price, who stands in the gap, for all who call..

How did He handle it all. 
What did he think of truth in advertising. 
What was His model. 
How did he handle stress, sin, anger and everyone around Him lying and scheming in fear and doubt. 
How can He help us without us twisting and wrecking the essence of all He lived for.. 
Really, How did He do it.

Well...   I read it was Prayer, a lot of time alone, Very Few Words, Love, Compassion, Truth without Terror,  and not caring or showing us he cared much about the things that don't really matter. 


Think about all the issues Jesus never discussed because no one asked Him about it. He created the cosmos... Hello... He could have had some pretty deep conversations with smart people... ya think.  We're all torked off because He didn't spell out,  in red letters, in 5 locations, with old Test.  verification what he thought about Homosexuality or women's rights or slaves or how much is Too Much of anything questionable. And He was such a bad finger pointer.... ;) Arms open wide was His style... and that cost Him... No more words needed here..

As I read the Gospels, I can see Him walking each day, among the/His people in the city and the countryside.  Taking questions,  and answering, quietly, with pathos, and,  carefully.  And what about all those who thought He was heresy,  a liar or a nut case. How did he handle his enemies every day. 
Pretty carefully --- as you read and re-read His answers and parables.  

BTW,  I think Jesus was a skilled carpenter.. His earthly skill set...  I'm guessing Joseph taught him that skill.  How often did Jesus discuss that. Did he ever lift himself up in conversation.  hmmm. (never?) Never talked about himself and or his earthly skill sets?  Never sang that great song "it's all about me".

Wow. How am I doin there personally? ...  
I guess "F - for flesh" is what I'd  get most the time.  
Not kicking myself here, just being honest.
 He doesn't love us more or less based upon what we admit..

So why do I fail?  I'm sure you all could tell me better than I, and with more vigor, lol, but I guess I don't seek the father enough for His answers, before I'm asked the questions, where then my flesh answers first, out of pride or fear or anger or jealousy. 
Walking in the Spirit is not a one prayer a morning process or a Sunday Sermon tank filler....

I actually feel bad for the humans who are created with that Gene that says "learn it all and know it all". Their brains force them down roads that create denominations and libraries of theological books that only other theologians read.. Yet I feel bad for the people who don't ever read, but just listen to others and agree with everything. These as well are dangerous people under a pied piper.

What did Jesus say? Become like lawyers, preachers, politicians, salesmen, athletes, pop stars, Futures traders ? 

I think more like children who are wise as serpents and innocent as doves. Interesting combination to balance out.

Now can lawyers, preachers, politicians super star athletes, billionaires and pop stars be like Jesus?.....

It's harder... Yup. it is. We expect more from them. (ok well some of them)... And that's our fault.

We need to get over the need to making our heroes into super heroes. 

And I'm talking about leaders here. Teachers, Politicians, Pastors, Artists. Athletes. Smart People:)

We need to raise some new generations to understand that the only person on the planet who will not fail them is Jesus. End of Book... Everyone else... "mortal and capable of all evil if not walking in the Spirit and producing the evidence of that fruit".

Seems to me there was a time when some people wanted a hero, a king, a leader.

Seems to me God was loudly saying "hey there" "georgie girl" .. I'm your King, I'm your Creator, I'm your all in all. You don't need a man made Idol. 

But that's what they wanted, and that's what they got, and that's when we realized once again how bad we are at listening to truth when it's spoken. 

So I'm gonna have another espresso now and sit quiet for a half hour and pray, and cry, and ask Jesus once again today, to help me be more like Him, the only one who was, is, and will be truth in advertising, now, and forever more.

Mature Manure and Cheeses

Good Morning.

Can't honestly interpret my title this morning. It would be incriminating.

Just read a FB update from an ex-pastor who was chewed up,  spit out, re-married and trying to reclaim life as a disciple - not - an oracle in the world. Well I have news for the spiritually mature.  

Hard to believe for some indoctrinated Mature and overfed spiritual cattle but yup "manure happens, and it's a natural part of life" , The super natural part is dealing with it in a Christ like manner and seeing our fruit change from bitter to sweet as we become more like Cheeses. Gosh if someone is translating this blog in another language "I'm so sorry this morning for you".  I've always been a sucker for metaphors.

The thing i love about new believers and followers of Jesus is that they know their stuff stinks. They are so happy to be redeemed. They know they have so much to learn, and they hunger for reading the bible and praying.  Their guilt lies in the fact that they are trying to give up all the flesh habits of their  walk in the world, and now slowly and surely learn to replace them with some better choices. Usually the world gets us addicted to the things that are "ok" in moderation of life and we abuse them horribly. Now a life of faith can help us either get a grip on those issues or eliminate them for our own safety. And in this process new believers naturally  have all the flesh issues to deal with that manure opps, I mean mature christians love to point out over coffee.  But, new believers,  they LOVE  and eat the Word,  Love devotions (even if they don't know that word yet), and love prayer with a passion.  It's so exciting to see. They don't judge others and non-believers --- daaa --- . They know what they just came from, and haven't been indoctrinated yet into learning how to become a  judgemental pharisee or a  "lookatmee".

  And then there's the flip side. 20, 30, 40 years of "deep" teaching and american church. Those of us in that camp. (ME)  Well, we've eliminated the obvious sins that the church doesn't want to see in us, and so, we "look", really clean on the outside.  "lookatmee"..   However we find it harder and harder to feed ourselves and be excited each morning to have devotions and pray. We look for the super teacher or writer to enlighten us, so we have something new to discuss over coffee, with our other enlightened mature believing friends, as we heartfully discuss all those in our lives who are struggling and need "our" prayer. "insert fresh pile photo here".

So today, I sit writing Lord Jesus. There are topics Lord, that make me sick of myself and to my stomach. And this is one of them. This is my morning confession and regurgitation of my own disgust of my heart at times.   "judging others, bearing false witness". I recall those I've judged over obvious wrongs to me. Things i've had a right to be upset about, but things in which I've not had a right to judge or malign them or their characters about, any more than others to me. So forgive me for my Mature Manure of religious indoctrination that has ever made me think more of myself than i ought.  Not only forgive me... CHANGE ME. 

I said the other day over lunch with a traveler. When asked how to address sin within the fellowship of believers?  What do you do they asked.?  I said, quite honestly "today" i'm standing at a place where i lovingly remind them that I love them and that the Word of God says that  "x" actually is sin and they are in it. Then I tell them that I love them and that i have my own "x" 's  I'm trying to come to terms with every day and I need their prayers as well to be humble enough to admit it and see it so I can deal with them as well. I tell them that I will be with them, regardless of their choices, and love them as a friend. I tell them my prayer for them as well as me, is that as I draw nearer to Jesus in word, deed and prayer and supplication, and that He will transform my very soul and those ties to my flesh will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace each day.
And there it is. No judgement, No i'm better, No gotcha.    Just "do you know what you're doing does not align up with Jesus basic truths in the Word for abundant life, and that I'm praying as we walk this "together " that He will make that change in you "and" I, and we will gloriously look and act more like Him in the future".  Does that look like friendship, brotherhood, love and grace to you ---- or does that look like milk toast, whitewashed, watered down, greasy grace Christianity?

I guess that all depends on who your teachers were. 

Matt.,Mark, Luke and  John's accounts, or, Luther, Calvin, the Pope or another modern day pied Piper....with - of course -  great intentions, telling you "without telling you" that they are/were the oracle.  Come on now, don't read too deeply into that, or you're likely to start the "lookatmee" routine over your spiritual mortal heros you think i've maligned. No doubt they all were/are better and more spiritual than I'll ever be. Better scholars, better whatever's.. It's ok. I'm just sharing the confessions of "one" worshipper here to others.

As I leave today, remember it's "never what you say but what others heard you say" that get's repeated and "spun"  in life, and causes so much confusion and division.  

That's where constant prayer and asking of God's Holy Spirit to help us, and lead us each moment of each day, becomes the real "x" factor to a life of hope filled humility to humanity in search of real love.

Just because Manure Happens, doesn't mean God can't turn it for good, or that you should think "you" don't possess any for any periods of time. Think of this photo from India and be reminded of what fuels and heats their huts in places where there is no elect. or gas and no power plants either.

"Whatever is good, whatever is pure, whatever is of good report, whatever is uplifting, whatever is beautiful, whatever is lovely, whatever brings peace and a smile.. focus on these things."

Did i forget " whatever brings espresso"....

Montana Dreamin

   
I lay in my old hot tub at Lifetime Fitness at midnight the other night with my eyes closed, dreaming I was back in the Boiling River section of the Lamar river (as seen here).  I went to see a great country band "The Killer Hayseeds" last night outdoors in Osseo MN,  and all I could think of was the cold Montana night air and watching a band with the mountains all around at night outdoors in Chico Hot Springs MT. Then I'm on my deck at midnight last night staring at the city version of stars, as I do most nights, but I was again dreaming of Mountain Stars. I guess I'm just Montana Dreamin... Just skip California Dreamin and bikini tans and surf boards and gimme the Grizzly prints and scat big enough to make you shat and keep a hand on your pepper spray and your bell ringing!  God gave us fear for a reason. Not to be lived in or it will kill you from the inside. But, I think it's  pre curser to the great reckoning or other epic events that mortals need to be aware of and think seriously about, so we don't end this life pre-maturely.

Ok, driving with a foot while drinking espresso and texting with the other hand comes to mind. Geeze that's a tough confession to recon with. But, my boys will give me "MY" look on occasion when I'm being foolish like that. I cant help I did a one man show for years that was a multi tasking nightmare, and consequently I live on that edge whenever I can, to see if I can still juggle that extra plate at 70mph. "and after I got over that brain injury".... I'm trying now to think about that a bit more these days.

Never having been lost in the wilderness or in a POW camp, I can't imagine what it must be like to re-introduce yourself to the mainland, but just after 9 days alone in a little tent in the mountains I must admit I have a quarter ounce of that feeling as I return home. My wife, my bed, my kids, my friends, my cars and home and church and restaurants and and, and I'm missing boiled water and wind storms and hard rain and freezing morning dirty wet socks, and yes, beautiful trout.
Beyond that it might be the adventure.. yes, that might really be it.  However you could experience a similar feeling living in a van,  under a bridge by the river, in any city. But somehow that doesn't appeal to me like it did to "the whiskey drinkin preacher" talked about in the classic Chuck Cannon song. (now, one of my all time favorites, that country singer Michael Peterson introduced me to last year).

So it's Saturday, I should be cutting grass, but I'm still drinking espresso and dreamin bout Montana...

The Hunt For Red Montana.

Finishing a dance with a pretty girl on Armstrong Creek. The blue of the sky on the crystal waters. The flash and dance of the lime green moss swaying on the rocks.

Ms. Salmo Trutta

So I’m walking Main Street Bozeman Montana at Midnight.

It’s 70 degrees now and dropping quickly. Like most nights, there are traveling homeless musicians entertaining themselves by streetlight on a few cheap guitars. Singing old folk songs in an out of tune, wine filled holler. You get the feeling they are calling out to other lost souls in the night. Very tan with Dredded, tattoo'd, dirty clothes and large backpacks, sums up these 20 somethings very well. A couple of them had a cheap guitar case covered in stickers and wrapped in clothesline. It could be 1968 here tonight. But drive 5 minutes out of town and it could be 1868.

It’s been 9 days alone with a one man tent, my trusty Sage fly rods and a 20 yr old Able #1 reel. Enjoying freeze dried food, a water purifier, one pair of shoes, and a solar USB charger for my Android (which I use for photos and updating) has been quite rewarding.

No radio, cable, newspapers or media to fill my head during this trip. I will admit that having cell phone service just about everywhere I was, to be able to do updates and call before bed from a tent was an unexpected blessing I didn’t think was possible. I turned the radio in the car on but once to hear static on every channel. It was as if God was saying "Shut up and listen to my music for a while will ya please.  My river at night is the best sleep mate. The high winds and critters and noises in the night do make you pause and talk to Me. And by the way,there are no paintings or photos to reproduce the sights and views i make as I dance the sun through each day, reflecting on the sames surfaces and changing their looks every day 100 times for YOU to enjoy.

 Getting my Jeep Wrangler and pulling out of the BZN airport I stopped at 1AM to get a few supplies before heading down Hwy 89 through Paradise Valley, Gardner, the N. Entrance to Yellowstone and over into Slough Creek.  My fishing buddy Bruce of 30 + years could not make this trip, but as I walked the artificial neon lit isles to get supplies, there it was, a picture of Bruces' old friend "Lucky" the black lab. Well, I had to get a 6 pack, and know that I would go to the mountains and toast my dear friends old best friend.

I had decided to make this trip with just one backpack for everything.  So, scaling down was a big deal from the 10 man tent and 4 burner coleman stove with the mondo grill propane tank:)  JetBoil had a new cook system for 16oz of water. It also had a French Press adapter. Whellll.. That sold that sucker right there and then. 1lb of large ground Dunn Bros. Espresso and I was ready for just about anything but a bear paw coming through my tent at 3AM.  30 degree nights and mornings made boiling water a real pleasure at 6AM  and  10PM, before kneeling into a boy size tent for a 6'3 man.
As far as trash, I never realized how little imprint I could make by using those pouch meals for everything. No dishes, and one napkin. that's it. Put it all in the cook pouch when you're done eating, along with any daily wrappers from Cliff bars, and Voila', that's it. Well ok, the coffee grounds out of the flashboil each morning was the biggest mess, but good coffee does have a price. And honestly I've kind of grown a custom to chewing on Dunn Brother grounds after the fact. But with all that said....

It wasn’t till I ended up on day 8 in Chico Hot Springs Montana, and smelled a Pizza and Brats, as I got out of my truck,  that I realized how much I love a fry pan, grill and an oven.
That feeling must be the same one a bear must smell when he's hungry and smells meat from a long distance. I'm guessing he gets as excited as I was at that moment. ok -- i got pizza, if ya really want to know. I ate 4 pieces and brought the rest back to the river for my neighbors to devour.

Since I've written this in different stages of my journey, I mention that earlier tonight on my last night in downtown Bozeman Montana I ended up at Ted Turners Rest., having a Bison Rib eye and all the accouterments. Could have had steak, but I ate Bison in memory of the buffalo listed later in this blog. Being at Ted’s for dinner was only funny because floating the Yellowstone last Thursday, we floated by Ted, Mr. Turner, Janes ex. There he was standing alone along a bank, crouched over throwing hoppers. My guide and I  shared 3 or four jabs about the weather, and fishing, as we floated by.  His unmistakable looks, moustache and voice made me giggle and say “ how good is Montana, where billionaires dress up in goofy clothes, climb down ravines to rivers and sweat and swear as they hunt the most beautiful girl for a chance to dance with a rainbow. And finicky she is..

 

Like 400 boys at a dance, you'll tie on and cut off fly after fly and drift it by her only to have her say "nope, to tall", "nope wrong color", "nope wrong family line" and on and on, till suddenly one of your handsome flys takes her fancy.  (By which time you're usually doing the a.d.d. look away at a shiny object after 100 casts), and at that moment the big girl notices you looking away on your cast and thrashes your fly, flips a tail or rolls away smiling -- never --- to look at that fly again for sure. And you.. well if you are used to cursing, they will fly. For me it's self deprecation like "for cryin out loud Craig, how can you still do that after 30 years of throwing flies at trout". And honestly the answer is, that fly fishing is an amazing balance of multi tasking. There are so many things going on at one moment, that if you focus on one thing you are toast. Example. You've spotted a trout "or", where you swear one will be feeding. You have to enter the stream behind them far enough so you're not seen, or, oops. "toast again".  You must be in the river or on a high bank in a way to get off a cast to the spot you want to get your drift to, to drop that fly naturally over their magical circular sight line. Anything less and "toast again". Can't lose footing in the river, or you're possibly dead, so that's kind of a big one. Back casting with trees, brush and banks makes it interesting getting your fly up to where you need it also. The blessings and cursing of up or down stream winds. argggg.  And then there is the fly and leader selection. That's a library in itself..

So what I'm saying is, it's not a guy from "A River Runs Through It" beautifully shadow casting 60feet in both directions in a windless open river.. And no, that was not Brad Pitt doing that.

Well tonight I think back on what I was desiring from this adventure. As always, there are the things you planned on, the things you didn’t, and the wild cards. Entering Slough at 4AM, I slept in the jeep till a site opened up at 6AM. There on a rock next to my Jeep was a little matchbox tractor.  I can only imagine a little boy was playing with it here in the wilderness days before. And like "Andy"  in Toy Story, decided that it would be best to leave his friend the truck where he could have the most fun and seek the wildest things. I did look for Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head and Ken and Barbie behind the bushes having a weird party while squatting one time, but alas, only a slinky dog.

I planned on - a few days at Slough Creek up in the meadows, and it didn’t disappoint. Large native Cutthroat trout sighted, hooked, broken off and landed. These are smart fish. They learn to live under the high banks, where the only way to reach them with a fly, is to cross river and throw down from the high banks to them. That’s great until you hook one and have no way to land her. You can only try to get down the stream with them 50 yards or more, where you can safely slide down the bank into the river, get full of mud and slide into a ft. of mud, only to have them wait that long, before they break you off, and shake a tail fin at you, and SLOWLY swim away.  And of course you NEVER get the largest ones you sight and hunt, and… , it’s always true, that when you turn away from your fly to sight your next cast.. . that’s when the biggest fish crush your fly, spit it out, and roll away. Come on now, doesn't this all take a worm on a hook, or a buzz bait to new levels of excitement.
You see Slough Creek and the meadows are Breathtaking views, with wild animals to close for comfort.

I've talked to many a camper, hiker ,who tell me there's no way they'd camp up in the NE section of Yellowstone. Way to much danger.  This week there were the two buffalo’s in rut on the trail head that surprised me coming home at night. Coming around a big 12 ft rock on the trail, you blindly walked into a large male buffalo. Very un nerving, and I quickly turned, made no eye contact and heading into the woods to do the end around, only to come back to the trail from the other side  and have a conversation with them from a distance.
 I reminisced at every turn of the trail through forests and meadows, of my time there with my oldest son Jamison a year earlier; hiking and fishing to the second meadow. Laughing, sweating and complaining about the weight of our packs. Sorry son, we didn’t need it, and I didn’t take one this year. I would find myself stopping on occasion. Stopping where my son and I had stopped. I’d suck in the view, take a breath, shed a tear, and have an open conversation with him about how much I love him, and wished he were there with me at that moment.

Funny but now that I think of it, that’s very similar to the conversations I have on the golf courses today, where I played golf with my dad for years, when he walked this beautiful blue marble. Aren’t memories an incredible gift? !

Things I didn’t plan on - two very large storms coming in with hail and almost blowing me away through the night My neighbors tents at Slough were crushed and uprooted and blown down to the river with their gear in it one day. That was the night before at 4AM where I awoke to lights. I climbed out of my tent and saw the unbelievable. Half the sky was a billion stars and the other half was a ferocious storm rolling in filling the other half of the sky with lightning and thunder, turning the black sky grey for moments and flashes of terror, as it slowly and ferociously over took the incredible star curtain. I remember the family that lost the tents were a special family from N. Carolina. Mom and dad drove out and met their 20 something, tattoo’d, x-game styled son and best friend living in the west. So cool to see this conservative mom and dad there camping, doing their best to understand and relate to the large gap between generations. They sat at night at the fire discussing life every night till the wee hours. Yea mom and dad!

Then there was the group I melded into the first few days. Made up of a high end custom dentist, a radiologist, the owner of a computer software company, a teacher and a pagan.  On your left is the retired dean of an east coast college climbing to the first Meadow on Day 1. We'll call him "Dean :) ".

Other than the pagan, all these guys were converted Catholics, Morman’s and non denoms., with all the same frustrations with organized religion, that I’m finding across the country.  Great conversations about faith, and about different writers of today from different religions. All discussions coming down to the unspoken fact that God lives in the wilderness in profound ways. And that’s the attraction of all these men being called there like the devils tower in "Close Encounters" ….  Not to find space ships, but to reconnect with original manhood. To come and be real. Have a beer and cigar over a campfire with a billion stars and Grizzlies to keep you honest.  To rekindle and find and hear God’s voice in a way they can not find in the cities across the nation, where they are told and taught and presented in media to not to be real men anymore. Well, long live the  hunters, explorers, conquerors and gatherers God made us to be. In the words of the great Nugent " Kill it and Grill it".

Wild Cards - Upgrading from a small SUV to a 4 door Wrangler Unlimited was one of the best wild cards. You see it's been my secret dream vehicle for over 20 years. I took a wrong turn once on a ranch this last week, ended up down in a mining pit, and realized before turning around, that I could just drop it in low range 4x4 and climb up and out. Holy Yee Haa. (insert Yoda) “Unexpected pleasure it was” .  I came out of the pit into a field with a dozen deer staring at me “hey, what are you doing here”. I just drove through the brush till I came to a road… That was a nice wild card.

Then there was “Mac”. I pulled into a remote free camp sight called “Carballa’s” at mile marker 17 off of hwy 89, 50 feet from the banks of the Yellowstone. (Oh the sound of the river all night).   There was this large canopy set up “no tent” with cookers and a ClickaClack drifter and a whitewater raft and a bike and a partridge in a pear....  . Wow.. I thought, I need to meet this guy. He sleeps off the ground in the open, covered in a bag and blue tarps with a tire hung from the middle of middle eastern looking party tent.

Well, Mac is one of those guys you can write book about. A self confessed alcoholic, who’s 60 and single. Prays all day long for others, sleeps every night with a bible on his heart.
He’s a Native Montanan who lost his mom at 3 and was raised by grandparents in a strict Catholic home. Mac became an entrepreneur in his early teens selling worms off of the famous Rock Creek where the Salmon Fly hatch is famous. He moved to Alaska to be a roofer, and then back to Montana to be a Fishing Guide for 8 years, and then a manufacture of Drift Boats, and a seller of Phone book advertising and.. a real estate investor and land lord of a few properties across Montana.
  Mac streamed tears over the fire as he recounted losing his best friends of 17 years. His two twin golden labs died last year, and he’s needing counseling to live with the pain, instead of tequila as the main equalizer. Mac is now a friend for life. We will talk and cross paths again and again, this side or the other. He took me on a float of the Yellowstone, and let me man the oars as he fished for a while as well. What treat, learning to man the oars and “keep a good drift” amidst the currents, to allow a fisherman to throw line in a proper fashion to the good riff’s, rocks and drop offs.

There was all Mac’s girl friends. Patty Cakes and crew. Patty is a 50 something Green Queen who knew more about pollution than anyone I’ve ever met. She looked like a Swedish aunt I had growing up,  with all those smooth oiled lines and wrinkles in her well lived face and an honest true smile.  Don’t chew gum, don’t take vitamins, don’t use regular soap or take meds, or burn any paper with printing. Don’t fry food and for God’s sake, slow cook all food.  Each of these things would bring Patty to a well thought out explanation of the live or die elements in each items molecular structure.  Patty was from EauClair, and had grandparents from St. Paul MN.  She would say in that great “Wis cannnnn sin” accent, “Grandma said you could never cross the river to Mpls. or you would for sure get lost.” Her best line when discussing something stupid was “ well after I woke up from that brain injury”.. Cracked me up every time. Mac and Patty and friends took me to Chico Hot Spring two nights in a row to see the best in local music.
Chico is a 40’s throw back resort in the mountains. From the western bar there is a door and windows into a large pool with black and white checker board tile filled with Mineral Springs hot water year round. Weird to be in a bar and see 50 people through a window swimming… Saturdays country band was very good with a guitar player from Minnesota. Sundays band outdoors was Ivan and the Red Elvis’s. Dressed in psudo elivs’eee outfits, this was a Russian alternative, surfing, party music experience. Wheewwww.  It was interesting, seeing all the native Montanans mixed with high end campers from all over the country. So interesting to see such raw real people mixed in with the “cant get older”, over done Hollywood plastic surgery, over tanned and designer clothed millionaires.  I sat thinking “God loves everyone of these people as much as me, and He wants to have fellowship everyday with everyone of them. Those are the sobering moments when you feel helpless in it all as a believer, other than to just smile and say hello to every set of eyes you contact… That guilt of “you better witness to some lost person or they’ll go to hell”, always creeps into your religious subconscious, planted by years of traveling evangelists yelling and teaching that to you with a pointed finger and with good intentions.

Yup it is our job to love and “connect” with people.  But it's  God’s job to call them home when their hearts reach the point where they can’t live without Him. Glooooory.

It’s so easy to get caught up into the “It’s my job to save them” mentality. That just tends to put you into the flesh based hyper “you need Jesus” mode, that has created half the problems the world has with accepting Jesus in the first place.   Well.. look at the mountains and cry holy!


And then there was Sunday. I was invited to whitewater raft  Yankee Jim Canyon with Mac and Patty and friends.   Well I'd not had a day off since arriving,  and after praying about it,  I decided to just find a place to have church outdoors.
Patty suggested I go to an unmarked place call "the boiling river". She gave me directions to a small 100 yd section of the Gardner river and away I went on Sunday morning. Arriving, I made my way to the rock pools by 11AM. There were only 10 or more people. I lay there for two hours in a dream state of 60degree water one sec. and 150 degree water the next second. Incredibly intoxicating. After Lunch I lay there talking to more and more folks showing up until there were about 100 by 4PM when I left. So many families returning year after year to this little hidden hole in the mountain stream.

I booked a rod on Saturday at the famous Armstrong Ranch on Hwy 89 in Paradise Valley.  It's a cattle ranch with an incredible stretch of river coming off the Yellowstone and thru their property. I arrived as the sun was coming over the paradise hills. Dogs barking, horses all around. There was a Giant White Swan in a corner pool, an otter dancing very fast in and out of the stream and a beaver slowly making his way around the pools as they did their business.


The waters at Armstrong come from two very large aqua ducts at the head of the ranch. Out of the earth are two huge holes where massive amounts of water flow to create the instant stream in the middle of nowhere that flows into the Yellowstone river. With horses around there are a lot of peacocks as well who live on the property and display the beauty of such an incredible bird. Not to mention that in fly tying Peacock hurl and feathers are one of the best feathers to tie into nymphs of all sizes.

And the fish. OMG.  Lucky for me it was not a day of #24 Pale Morning Duns or Trico's or any other hatch the size of a knat that you have to try to cast to a rising fish... Today it was giant #8 hoppers and ohhh how glorious it was.

I sighted very VERY large fish across stream who were toying with me, knowing that there was no way I could wade out far enough to get a fly to them. So they would lazily roll and thrash on hoppers in my face as if to say "neener neener neener sucker...."  I know that seems impossible to think but, ok, I swear that's what they are doing, and they do it to every hunter that creeps along the banks of the Armstrong.  You see big trout often live by day 2 or 3 feet back under the banks of the stream  where you can never see them. They only slide out if something REALLY peaks their interest, and, if they know it's real. That's why they are 24 inches long and snap leaders going down stream like butta..

Sighting them, getting into position, tying on the proper fly and presenting it "just right" as it passes over their circle of vision is an art form. And you can not make one mistake or they go silent on you. Gosh it's a fun hunt. When you get one to come up

and check out your fly, that alone is a touchdown in many streams. And in the end, getting the hook out as fast as possible and holding them in the stream long enough for them to regain their strength and swim slowly away under their own strength for another day and another fight, is remarkably satisfying.

 Here a beautiful trout in the stream, under water, in my old net waiting to get a hook out and be released. the colors are so fantastic and the fight is remarkable.

There are the  instant pictures that suddenly come as you move from place to place.  Out of nowhere you'll come upon a herd of Elk Crossing a river, or around a bend you'll come upon a herd of Buffalo in  a meadow or behind you as your fishing and didn't hear them creeping up on you... :)


So I sat typing in Ted Turners Bar downtown at closing time. The bartenders from Minnetonka Minnesota, one of the guests sitting next to me was a married family guy who’s gay, and out here with a “friend” hiking, who lives in Uptown MN. Another person tonight was a mom and dad from Cleveland who came to celebrate their daughters getting her doctorate in Edu. Science. He’s a seller of a company called “find a place for mom”. Helping people place loved ones when they have Alzheimer's and such life ending diseases. Since I’m in that place of placing my mom right now to final care for this disease, we had a heart felt conversation. He went and had dinner with his family and before leaving, took time to come back to the bar and leave me his card saying “Craig if you need anything, call me, no charge in Cleveland for advice." Nothing is by chance if you open up, smile, and say hello to a stranger! There was the young native American couple out on a date, eating dinner with a 1 month old. Then she was served her food and the baby started to cry… and… she let her food sit there as her husband ate.  I got up, walked over, and offered to walk the baby around the restaurant while she ate her dinner. I totally freaked them out. She had eaten some quickly and didn't want help, but it was the idea of offering that counted, and, I loved their smiles as I walked away.

Then there’s family and friends.… 

Oh the webs we weave and the story lines we draw in this crazy life, as we try to be our best. Unconditional love is so hard to give. We want it, but it’s so hard to give. The nature of man since the fall “is” sin. In a million ways. And in a million ways we learn to think we can avoid it. Jesus saw his twelve fail him over and over and yet he never gave up on them. Actually tried harder to love them and build them up, in the midst of their humanity. So we have friends and family and children and spouses and work mates that we navigate all of this with.

I think of all the things I didn’t tell my parents in my teens. How bout you. Some to protect them from feeling like a failure with me, and other reasons to keep them from stopping my behavior, while I was working through life's issues ,while finding and becoming “me”. Has anything changed since Adam and Eve?  Not really, just that we have an advocate through the cross for grace and forgiveness that didn’t exist then. God knew we were incapable of being obedient to his voice in our hearts. But He didn't give up on us!

Well I notice here in Montana that most people I meet have moved here because they desire to live out their lives quieter and simpler, with more effort, for less income, but more space. Something we all can learn from.
I’m reminded of Senator Alan Simpson of Wyoming. One of my all time favorite politicians. Oh I’m sure he’s been a part of all the same crappy, dirty lobby money and stuff that IS part of the system; if you want to play in that game. But, I so have always loved his independent voice of reason and humor in it all. It wreaks of western logic. More Will Rogers than Socrates.   Wreaks of “daaaa”not Huh? ", and of all that I wish people could be. Honest and straight forward with their opinions, without tearing others down.  Such a hard dance to dance if you feel threatened by your opinions.  So much easier to tear others down, to make your equally biased point and positions feel better to yourself...  (guilty many times I'm sure)....

So in the end what was Montana and nine days alone in God’s country all about?

Well I guess it will be played out by what I say and do beyond today.

Will anything change? Will I be more honest, loving, compassionate, giving, listening? Will I spend more time listening than talking? Will I judge less and give more? Will I be thankful more, and complain less? Will I stop and be thankful for more of the little things? Will I be a better worshiper, son, friend, father, dad, mentor, husband and brother ?

Maybe... 

I can only hope so, and only by His grace and my brokenness can it begin.

So thank you God for all you’ve created and the ability to go “see” it, and hang around your majesty for a week. Thank you for showing me once again I can be alone and be "ok".  Thank you for speaking to me in those quiet moments alone, and reminding me that You are for me, not against me. You know my every thought and still love me passionately. You want me to succeed and live life to the fullest, with all You’ve blessed me with.

So there alone on a trail, hiking down the mountain from the 1^st meadow of Slough Creek 30min before sunset I turned a corner,  and was faced with a massive Bison in my path. I did not shat myself, but that might have been possible with the surprise of a 1 ton killing machine staring at me and in the rut . There he was. Lying 10ft from me as I blindly rounded that large rock on the trail.  He lay there, and i realized he was a victim of a battle he'd lost. This majestic warrior, bleeding with one eye out, and most likely dying. With his tail wagging, I took a wide birth into the woods around him and came back onto the path. I walked back up 10 paces to him and had this spoken conversation in the silence of a sunset as he looked me in the eyes.  “Hi friend. You’ve lived a good life. You are an incredible specimen. I’m proud to have met you here today, as you will most likely die tonight and be consumed by the wolves and bears. Know that I’m honored to stand here and see you, as a fallen mighty warrior of the past. May you pass quickly and silently. Good bye my friend.”  I said that out loud in the forest and then sadly turned and walked away down the Mountain.  A I turned he had a resolve deep in his eye and in shortness of breath that said “ this will not end well on this dirt path in the mountains.” He knew that without the ability to fight and run, it would not be a pleasant ending.  Like the Elk I came upon on my way to the stream one morning, nature is cruel and not sanitized.

Life is short my friends. Don’t waste it doing things that don’t make you thankful for every breath, every kiss, all your passion and every blessing. Fight hard for the things you love and believe in, and, let go of the rest of the hills not worth dying over.

You will lose, and you will fall in that pursuit. But, don’t ever lose sight, that our only hope is found in just one place…. Unconditional Love. A love given for you and I, when we didn’t even believe in, and for it.  For at the great crossroads there sits a cross. Some of us pass it every day and scoff or laugh at it, out of our own histories of pain in and with religion. Others are reminded of price it paid for our ability to re-connect with God. Others view it only from the words of Sunday teachers lips and never their own.  But like the buffalo on that path, without hope, it doesn’t end well.  In all of nature, God screams and whispers “I did it for you”. He shouts that life is dangerous in natural disasters, and that it’s painful in natural law.  But God’s Last Will and Testament - That Word that became flesh – that was, and is, in and through all. That existed before the billion starts in a Montana night. That came down to give us hope.

By that cross - that piece of wood - and that rock cave – an empty grave.

And hope for a Fathers planets children. Each one He died for. Each one is precious. Each one He pines for, and worries about. Mostly I think, he hurts for the broken and hurting who are really trying to survive themselves and “life’s shuffle”.

And this my friends, you can take through your mountains and valleys, to infinity and beyond, to Montana and back. God loves us beyond any measure of understanding that will ever be understood by man, until we stand before Him and see Him face to face. And then and only then, the words “I’m Unworthy” will truly take on new meaning.

Hope you enjoyed the journey my friends.  Pass this on and re-post.

All photos , Craig T. Olson on an Android EVO in a waterproof jacket.

©2011